blackeyed-'s Diaryland Diary

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so apparently i grew up

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly writing here again. Last night I was on MySpace, and I got the random idea that it might be a good idea to try to contact my ex, Ryan, just to see how he's doing. But, for the life of me I couldn't figure out his last name to search for him. As funny as I think it'd be to find him again, I didn't feel up to wading through 300 pages of Ryans in the Phoenix area alone. So, I started reading this old thing, hoping for perhaps a clue. Of course even in my disastrous teenage years, I never was thoughtless enough to publish his last name here, so nothing came of that.

But, in reading all my old entries, I realized what a complete and total LOSER I was. Some of the things I said, mainly about men, makes me cringe to see. I was just clawing for the scraps of these men's time like it was not only perfectly acceptable, but normal. Luckily, for all mankind, I am quite as meek anymore.

I feel like I haven't written about my life in so long that I could go on for miles of pages about all that's changed. I always enjoyed the idea of having some kind of "archive" of my life, so I'll write everything that's happened. Or at least as much as I feel like writing before I get the old lady hand cramp. Not because anyone reads this anymore, hell, it's been a couple years since I've updated, but because I feel the urge to write again.

I have to backtrack first, or none of it will make sense when I read this as a senile old woman. With 72 cats. Anyway, about 6 years ago, I met Dominic online through an online roleplaying game. At the time, he was with a woman named Kate . She got pregnant shortly after we met, and things started to get worse and worse between them. Dom and I were always close friends, we just clicked and could talk easily, I suppose. At the time, I was even friendly with Kate. A few months into her pregnancy, they married and had the baby shortly thereafter. Dom says that now that he looks back, he thinks he married her because he so desperately wanted to keep things together, for her and the baby. Now, I can't personally say all that went on to get things to this point, but all I know is Kate decided she wanted to go meet a man she had met online who lived in Pennysylvania. Kate will still, to this day, swear to you that nothing happened. But I think it's safe to say she fucked him and then came home to Dom. She kept up the "everythings fine" charade for a while, but eventually left and moved to PA with the guy, taking their child with her. At this point, Dom is totally heartbroken, having just lost his wife and his daughter in one swoop.

And thus, the court proceedings begin. Divorce papers are drawn up, and Dom agrees to award Kate full custody of Kjirstin (their daughter) on the agreement she comes to stay with him every 3 months until she starts school. 3 months pass by, and Kate is no where to be seen. She refuses to bring KJ home to Dom, and so, Dom pushes for full custody. I won't go into the gory details here, but I will leave it at this. Kate was not a very fit mother, her own mother testified against her. Dom won full custody.

Over the years Dom and I continued to talk, but it became less and less common until contact stopped completely by 2003. On my birthday in 2004, I randomly log on to the online game where we first met. I think I was mostly feeling lonely. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a year after I found out the shitstain had been cheating on me, and I just wanted some familiar chat. And lo and behold, there he is. We started chatting again, just very casually. It slowly moved into flirtatious, and then it became something else.

He started calling me after work every night and after he got up every morning. We'd chat so long I'd have red indentations on my face after we hung up. We talked about everything, and I slowly started talking to his daughter on the phone too. I felt something so strong between us, but it was so bizarre in a way. Here is this person I've known for ages, but I never once looked at him that way. After a while, I found myself literally tripping over the words "I love you" to stop them from coming out when we hung up the phone. Or during the conversation. Or the beginning of the conversation. I just wanted to say it, but I didn't know how he'd react.

At the time, I was employed as a nanny for quite a while. Then suddenly, a couple months after we'd been talking on a regular basis again, I lost my job. My employer was laid off and couldn't afford to pay for childcare anymore. As soon as I got home, I had roses waiting for me from Dom. The funny thing is, he didnt even know that that day of all days would be when I really needed something like that to cheer me up. He just sent them because I told him I'd never gotten flowers from a man before. Right then and there I decided hell, I have some free time, I have some money, why don't I go meet him right now?

So, I called him up, and booked a flight with him on the phone the same day. My plan was originally to just fly out to meet him and then come home to Arizona and find another job immediately. But my plans changed the second I got there. As soon as we saw eachother, everything else just disappeared. I dropped my bags, and he wrapped his arms around me. I don't know how long we stood there like that, but it must've been a while. Then when we pulled back, we kissed immediately. And just like that, everything in my life flipped. It was unreal.

We drove back to the hotel, and while he checked me in I went upstairs and started to strip out my clothes for a hot shower. Nothing is worse than plane stink, for real. And minutes later, what do you know, he's in the bathroom too and joining me in the shower. I won't share all the naughty details here, but suffice to say it was incredible. AND, I simply must take this opportunity to pimp Urban Decay Primer Potion for eye makeup. It kept my makeup perfectly intact through hot steamy shower sex. Go Urban Decay!

During that visit I also got to meet his daughter, who I adored with all my heart. We'd been talking on the phone pretty reguarly by then, so she knew who I was. I spent my time there cuddling with her and him, watching movies, and feeling, for the first time in my life, like I was part of a family.

After that, it was all just a blur. I fell so hard and so fast, and I know he did too. We were engaged immediately. I flew home and we started making preparations for me to move there. I flew back a month later and we checked out apartments together so we could have more room. We found one immediately within our budget and snapped it up. Come April 2005, Dom flew to Arizona and we drove an U-Haul from Arizona to Oregon.

Things went smoothly. Kjirstin eventually stopped calling me Jen, and started calling me mommy. Kate has nothing to do with her, but not because of us. She has all our contact information, she just has decided not to use any of it. She just had another baby with the man she left Dom for, so she doesnt "need" KJ anymore, I suppose. It really breaks my heart, but I know Im doing the best I can for her. Now Kjirstin talks about how when she was a baby, she was in my tummy. It's the cutest thing ever. I have slipped seamlessly into their lives. It's wonderful.

In September 2005 we were married. I still cannot believe I've been married for a year now. We just celebrated our anniversary last week. I wore a red knee length dress for my wedding, determined not to wear any sequins or white. I just had to be different, you know.

Now Dom is going to school and he'll be done next year. We'll have our own house and then I can start college too. Kjirstin just started preschool this year, and she's loving it. It's absolutely the cutest thing ever watching her wheel her little Hello Kitty backpack up the driveway. I'm really excited for our future.

Overall, I am happy. I love my husband and my daughter. My life is going smooth. I don't consider her a step daughter, because she isnt. You dont have to give birth to someone, or loan your sperm, to be a parent. That's not what it's about. I love her, and I would do anything for her, and that, my friends, is the greatest emotion anyone can feel.

11:55 a.m. - September 23, 2006

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